


Tell Me You Love Me

by awkwardrainbow



Series: Tell Me You Love Me [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Mental Illnesses, Musician Lexa (The 100), Mutual Pining, YouTuber Clarke Griffin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-08-20 14:09:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16557254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardrainbow/pseuds/awkwardrainbow
Summary: Clarke and Lexa are childhood best friends who've grown into a world of fame. Lexa a musician, and Clarke a very popular you-tube painter with aspirations to own her own art gallery. Their entire relationship is fully impacted by the media and Lexa's more than demanding career, setting up expectations and difficult realities between the both of them. With every step they take being scrutinized and criticized by the entire world that watches them, it makes the natural progression of their relationship a lot more difficult, especially when things start to romantically evolve between them. Is their close friendship and deep love enough to survive the brutal world of flashing lights?Or that youtuber/famous au*This is presently paused as it's taking me a long time to write but will be continued at some point.*





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I've got a new one for you. Enjoy. :)

Lexa knew two things at the age of six. One of those two things was that she loved coloring, even if she wasn’t particularly good at it. She always had an extremely hard time staying within the lines. Her hands always shook each time she’d put the point of the crayon down on paper. Sometimes she’d even press too hard and they’d snap right in half. She grows so upset every time she does that, she doesn’t mean too, she’s just trying to get it right. Clarke is always there to make it better.

Clarke is the second thing of the two things she knows, and what she knows about Clarke is that she loves her. She even told her mother once that she’d trade everything she owns for Clarke if she had too. Her mother hadn’t humored her much on it, but she let her talk anyway.

Unlike Lexa, Clarke was amazing at coloring. She hardly ever scribbled outside of the lines and she never broke one single crayon. Lexa has a giant collection of drawings just from Clarke alone because she always seemed to be doing it. She would color so much that she’d run the crayons too low and when Clarke’s mother had decided that Clarke would have to wait for another box, she had been really sad.

So, Lexa pulled out the seven dollars and thirty-six cents she had been saving from her last birthday and she didn’t really have to think much about it when she asked her mom to take her to the store. It had shocked her at first because Lexa hardly ever bought anything. Every time her mom would try and get her too she would tell her no and feed it to her little racoon bank. But she knew Lexa was serious when she actually saw the money in her hand, outside of the racoon bank she had gotten for her birthday two years ago.

They went to Lexa’s favorite store. The one with the stuffed animals in a basked right in front and the nice man behind the cash register that always gives her a lollipop when she comes in. She knew right where the crayons were too, she always looks at them every time because she wants the best ones for when Clarke comes over. Clarke doesn’t normally get the big pack of special crayons Lexa’s mom always buys for her so she’s always so happy when she gets to use Lexa’s.

She’s staring at those very crayons and feeling extremely miserable because she’s off by five dollars. She just wants to get them for Clarke because she was so sad at school today without her crayons and she loves to draw.

She hears her mother clear her throat behind her, but she doesn’t bother looking up, still gloomily staring at the numbers in front of her. “I forgot Lexa, remember that five dollars you earned last week?”

“I did?” She asks, a soft pout on her mouth only growing with each passing second. She knits her little eyebrows together in thought as she turns her gaze up to her mother, though she doesn’t have to look up for long because soon she is crouching right in front of her, holding out the five dollars, waiting on her to take it.

“Remember, you raked all the leaves in the yard and I didn’t even have to ask?” Her mother’s own eyebrows push up slightly as if Lexa should already know this, but Lexa doesn’t remember ever earning five bucks for raking leaves before.

“You’ve never given me five dollars for that before.” She says suspiciously, glaring at her mother curiously and it seems to make her smile.

Lexa’s mother is always smiling at her, even if she isn’t doing anything particularly interesting. “Maybe I should start.” She nudges the five dollars toward her and Lexa takes it delicately, combining it with her money that’s already out and in her hands.

It takes her a few minutes to count it but when she figures out how much she has a small squeal leaves her. “I have enough!” She says excitedly to her mom who has stood up again and hears her laugh and sees her nod her head.

“Go ahead then.” And she doesn’t have to be told twice. She swipes the special big pack of crayons up from the shelf and sprints across the store, her mother walking behind her as she makes it to the check-out to the nice man, Gustus, behind the counter.

“What do we have here?” He says with a friendly smile. A shy Lexa blinks up at him, pushing up her glasses first before pushing the box of crayons even more across the counter. “Big art project?” He asks, and his friendly smile doesn’t waiver. It helps make Lexa feel safer.

She shrugs and looks up when she feels her mother smooth her hand through her hair and drop it on her shoulder. She squeezes slightly. “We talked about using your words more baby.” She mumbles in her daughters’ ear and Lexa pushes her glasses up again before nodding her head.

“They’re for my friend.” She says quietly and feels her mother press a kiss to the side of her head.

“Must be some special friend, twelve dollars little lady.” He replies cheerily, grabbing a lollipop from the bowl with a sticker on it that reads twenty-five cents. He places it in the bag with her crayons as Lexa fumbles with her money over the counter. He takes it from her and counts it out loud with her and she feels proud to have been able to have bought Clarke something.

When he hands the bag to her and she looks in to see Clarke’s crayons and her lollipop she decides Clarke can have that too and closes it, grabbing her mother’s hand and walking out with her as she says goodbye to Gustus.

The entire ride Lexa is anxious to get to Clarke’s. She can’t wait to give her this gift, she knows it’s going to make Clarke so happy and she loves Clarke’s smile. She has her seat belt off and her door open seconds after her mother puts the car in park in front of Clarke’s home. “Wait for me!” Her mother shouts after her in amusement as Lexa sprints up the stone steps to the Griffin’s front door.

She does wait, at least tell her mother has stepped on the first step, before ringing the doorbell. She’s so excited that she begins to knock not long after and it’s her mother gently touching her arm to get her to settle down to remind her that it’s not polite to do something like that.

Jake Griffin is the one to answer the door and he greets them with a big welcoming smile that Lexa’s used to seeing. She likes him the most out of Clarke’s parents. He calls her Lexa-t-Rexa and it makes her feel special. “Hey Beca, and little warrior, what are you doing here?” He addresses Lexa, making her giggle as he ruffles up her hair.

“Sorry to just randomly stop by like this Jake, but Lexa bought Clarke a gift.” She smiles down at her daughter and Jake’s smile grows just a bit bigger.

“Did you?” He chuckles. “Why don’t you come in, Clarke’s in the backyard.”

“Thanks Mr. Griffin.” Lexa mumbles sprinting across the room to the sliding glass door in the kitchen the moment she has permission to come in.

“No running, Lexa!” She hears her mom call after her but she’s too excited to listen. She’s out of the door before she even knows it, sunshine back on her face and heart going crazy the moment she spots her best friend kicking at the dirt on the swing set in her yard.

“Clarke!” She shouts excitedly and the little blonde whips her head up to meet wild green eyes. “Look!” She squeals, running across the yard, or at least, making to run across the yard. The grass is wet and slippery however, and she ends up falling, nearly face planting into the soft green lush.

“LEXA!” Clarke shrieks in panic and the next thing Lexa knows Clarke is right next to her, hands touching her to look for any wounds that might need healing. “Are you okay!?” She says with terror in her voice, touching Lexa’s cheek gently. Lexa blinks up at her and nods her head before standing up and dusting herself off.

She has a slight scrap on her knee, but she can barely feel it. She can’t see it that’s for sure. She squints but everything is blurry. “Your glasses.” Clarke coos and gently touches Lexa’s face again to make her stop moving so she can set her glasses back on her nose.

Clarke’s face comes in clear in front of her and she smiles widely. “I got you something!” She says excitably again, uncaring of her recent mishap.

“What do you mean?” Clarke asks, she’s not as uncaring, her focus now shifting to Lexa’s bruised knee. “You’re bleeding.” She says with dramatic dread, her eyes welling up with tears.

“I’m okay!” She’s quick to reassure Clarke. She even bounces on her leg, even if it slightly hurts, she doesn’t dare show it. “See,” She mumbles hoping to comfort her and when she sees Clarke’s tears disappear she’s back to her gift.

She bends over to pick up the bag, happy nothing had fallen out or gotten ruined and hands it over to Clarke.

Clarke is wiping a tear from her eye as she takes it. “What is it?” She asks quietly, sniffling as she stares down at the bag now in her hands.

Lexa can’t help her slight laugh. “Well open it and you’ll see.”

So, Clarke does. She looks down into the bag and reaches in and pulls out the box of crayons Lexa had gotten her, and her eyes light up, all tears completely gone now. “No way!” She jumps up and down in front of Lexa. “But mom said no crayons.” She says confused.

Lexa shakes her head. “She said she wasn’t buying you anymore, so I’ll buy them for you.” Lexa mumbles with determination. “You have to be able to draw Clarke.” She argues reasonably.

“You are my favorite best friend.” Clarke says with a laugh and flings her arms around Lexa’s neck, pulling close while she still holds on tightly to the crayons.

Lexa is so happy to have made Clarke happy again. “I’ll always have your back.” She promises and feels Clarke squeeze her tighter.

“And I’ll always have yours.”

 

***

 

By sixteen Clarke knew she had a problem. A problem she of course would never say out loud, or even confide in her best friend about. Kind of hard to confide in someone that created the problem. Not that it was a completely terrible problem but at the same time… it’s a completely terrible problem.

“Clarke,” Lexa calls her name and she jumps, forced out of her thoughts.

“What?” She turns her head toward her best friend and feels her breath stutter when green eyes blink at her. Lexa has such pretty eyes, way too pretty. It’s weird how pretty Clarke finds them, but than again, she’s been noticing a lot of things about her best friend that no one is supposed to notice about their best friend.

“You didn’t hear a thing I said huh?” She grins at her affectionately, a grin Clarke is used to being on the receiving end of but for some reason, her heart, as it’s been for a while now, has a mind of its own and thinks it’s a good reason to start going crazy.

She looks down and hopes her heart will calm itself. “Sorry,” She mumbles sheepishly, and she hears Lexa laugh. She wonders if Lexa would still laugh if she knew the way she’s been thinking about her lately.

“Are you okay?” She feels her bed dip and looks up into Lexa’s eyes. She wonders if she’ll find a way to ignore it someday, or if she’s doomed to think about Lexa in a completely non-platonic way for the rest of her life.

“Yeah, why?” She feigns confusion and watches Lexa’s eyes narrow as she studies her.

“You’ve just been out of it lately.” Clarke stops breathing when Lexa’s fingertips graze her own.

“I’m okay.” She mumbles and tries not to stare at their hands. “Your mom didn’t have to buy all this stuff though.” Clarke pushes her foot in the general direction where she had set up her newer art supplies.

Lexa grips her hand now. “She wanted too. And if she didn’t do it, I would.”

Clarke rolls her eyes. It’s just like Lexa to do and say something like that? Clarke was condemned from the start honestly. How do you not fall for a best friend like Lexa? “I could have made it work you know?” She tries not to think about it, as she often does.

Lexa’s grin grows wider at that. “I know. But you deserve the best art stuff.”

“I could never do this without you, you know.” She feels the weight in her chest heavy and beating hard as Lexa looks at her, into her own eyes, so close to her she can smell her skin and perfume and even the shampoo she uses.

She should not feel like this about her best friend. “Neither could I.” She says with a big smile and then she’s hugging Clarke and she feels her heart lodge in her throat as she hugs her back. This can’t last forever, it’s just a misunderstanding. It’ll be fine, it’ll go away. It has too.

It doesn’t.

 

***

 

Clarke never thought they’d be here so soon. This was supposed to happen when they were much older, when Lexa was much older. This was supposed to happen after they reached their goals and had their dreams come true, after children and marriages and booming careers. This wasn’t supposed to happen before they even graduated.

This just wasn’t fair.

“Clarke, honey, the casserole.” She hears her mother call back to her, breaking through her tired daze.

She blinks a second before she understands. “Oh, right.” Clarke mumbles and picks up the dish before sliding the rest of the way out of the car.

“This is where Lexa is staying now?” Clarke frowns as she looks at her mother before taking in the small cabin, quite a ways away from the city. Its surrounded by trees and there’s a river nearby because Clarke can hear the rush of the water. It’s actually quite pretty, at least that’s what Clarke thinks about it, clearly her mother would disagree.

She can hear her father sigh almost in disappointment before he finally responds to her. “Lexa chose to live here.” He reminds her in a hushed tone. After everything, who wouldn’t choose to live so far away from everything else?

“Of course she would, it was either this or the same house where her mother-” Abby sighs. “She wouldn’t be able to be in that house after.” Abby stopped herself. “She’s got a lot to deal with at such a young age, but I think living out here is going to make it harder.”

Clarke said nothing. She hadn’t seen Lexa until the funeral. Well, outside of that first few days. She stayed with Clarke, didn’t say much. She barely cried, she mostly just looked, empty. Clarke was relieved to see more color in her eyes the next time she did see her, but just as heartbroken that Lexa’s mother, Beca, had really passed and now they were standing together listening to some stranger explain her life and her death.

Lexa had hated the whole thing. Clarke didn’t really know what to say, what do you say in a situation like that? She knows she can’t make it better. She knows trying to would only make it harder for Lexa. So she didn’t really say anything. She just stood with Lexa, stayed by her whenever she moved so Lexa knew she was there for her.

And now here they were, Clarke’s cellphone full of text messages of directions to Gustus, but a real lack of banter that would normally be between them. Gustus had cried through the whole funeral. He could barely get his bearings, Anya had to do his speech for him. The whole thing is just miserable.

The casserole dish is heavy in Clarke’s arms. They stand there for a good few minutes before Abby finally knocks on the wooden door and when it opens Gustus is less tear-eyed and a lot cheerier as he greets them. “Welcome!” He says in a booming voice. Clarke has only met him a few times, through Lexa whenever they’d go down to that little store she likes that he works at, or if he’d come over for dinner while Clarke was over.

“Hello, we didn’t get a chance to officially meet at the ceremony. I’m Jake, this is my wife Abby, you’ve met our daughter Clarke, right?”

“Yes, I have.” He smiles warmly at her and Clarke feels the corners of her lips turn up slightly to try and return it. “Lexa is in the kitchen, she specifically requested I tell you to go meet her there as soon as you arrive. Let me take this from you.” He reaches out for the heavy casserole dish and Clarke is relieved to rid herself of it. She offers up a weak smile at him again and enters the cabin, leaving the adults to their conversation and looking for her best friend.

It doesn’t take her long to find her. The cabin isn’t very big. It’s cozy, very warm, there’s even a real fire and not one of those electric ones that Clarke has in her house. She can see the kitchen from the living room, the backside of Lexa, bending over an oven. The house smells like chocolate chip cookies and firewood. “Hey,” Clarke mumbles, leaning against the doorframe, trying hard not to let her eyes stray along the length of Lexa’s body like they like to do without her permission.

_Now is definitely not the time._

Lexa whips around at the sound of her voice. “Do you remember the very first time you came over. We were way, way younger, it was Kindergarten, remember.” Her voice has a lot more life too it than it has in months. She looks so determined, this one specific detail seemingly so important to her.

Clarke furrows her eyebrows at her behavior. She wants to encourage it though. She thinks Beca would want her to make Lexa feel better. “Yes.” She says finally because she does remember that amount of time from her very vague statement.

Lexa scrambles to whip her hands on her apron and approach her more closely. “Remember the cookies my mom let us bake with her?” Her eyes twinkle slightly at the memory. She remembers it probably a lot more clearly than Clarke does, but the memory is still there. She remembers being nervous because she had never had a sleepover with a girl from her class before and her mother had lectured her to ends about proper manners. She thought she’d forget them all she was so worried.

“Yes.” She states simply again to find out where Lexa is going with this, though she can infer, from the smell of chocolate chip cookies, the apron around Lexa’s waist, the pan she just pulled out of the oven.

“I found the recipe.” Lexa points at the tray of freshly baked cookies on the counter. “But I’m not very good at this.” She pouts slightly as she looks at the cookies on the edge that appear slightly darker than the others.

“They smell amazing.” Clarke compliments as Lexa releases a sigh.

It grows quiet for only a second before Lexa’s bouncing topics. “Did they say that you could stay?”

Clarke shrugs. “My mom did her ramble thing instead of answering but I think I can.” She doesn’t think her parents will make her leave Lexa right now, and even if they wanted to Clarke would fight it. She needs to be here, to be with her. It’s probably the most important thing right now and nobody can tell her any different.

“Do you want to bake some with me. I know I’ve already made a lot, I just…” Lexa frowns slightly and stares at the cookies again.

She doesn’t actually have to say it for Clarke to know why. “I’d love to make cookies with you.”

 

 

“She should have known she had it too.” It’s dark, the middle of the night even. They should both be asleep by now, but Clarke is finding it impossible and Lexa… Lexa’s got way too much on her mind. “When I was born, and she found out I had it, she should have done something.”

Clarke pulls herself from the cot Gustus had set up in the middle of Lexa’s room and walks across it to the bed where Lexa faces the wall. She can’t see her face, but she knows she’s crying. She can hear it in her voice. She doesn’t hesitate to climb into the bed with her and wraps her arms around her waist to pull her body back into her own. “They say hypertrophic cardiomyopathy is easy to go undiagnosed.” Clarke’s voice fumbles over the words, croaky and confused as Lexa tangles her fingers with Clarke’s that are around her waist.

They’re big words, but a big part of Lexa’s reality, now even more so than ever before. “If she would have just gone to a doctor more often, if I would have convinced her, maybe she’d still be here.” Lexa’s tone is tired and sad and her body shakes against Clarke and there’s nothing she can do so she holds her as tightly as possible while she cries. It’s the first time since her mom died that she has.

She wonders what Beca would say to Lexa in a moment like this, it’s probably the only thing she could hear that would make a difference. But Beca can’t say anything because she left her all alone, so Clarke will have to do it now. Clarke will take it on because that’s what best friends do for each other.

“I’m here.” She tells her quietly, a promise. “I’m not going anywhere, it’s okay.” And Lexa continues to cry because she needs too. “I’ve got you.” She promises because she’ll be strong, as strong as she needs to for however long she needs to be for Lexa. In ever moment, from now and forever. Clarke is never letting go.  


***

 

By the time Lexa was eighteen she had too many factors to think about already. She now had access to her inheritance, Gustus wasn’t going to keep it from her, he trusted her, and it wasn’t exactly his money to safeguard. On top of that she was making entirely too much from YouTube for her age. Clarke was doing well too but Lexa’s music was taking off way too fast, faster than she expected.

She had wanted to move but sitting on the anniversary of her mother’s death and the recent inheritance that Lexa shouldn’t even have because it’s her mother’s she hasn’t been in the best of moods. Clarke though, Clarke is always here, trying to make it better, every chance she gets. Lexa knows she’s far too lucky to have her, perhaps the luckiest if she’s honest.

“Okay, well the apartment tour is on Thursday. So that’s after Gustus’s play.” Clarke dips a fry into the small bowl of ketch-up on her side of the table and Lexa wrinkles her nose the moment she puts it in her mouth. She really does hate ketch-up, but Clarke won’t eat a single fry without it. That’s something she’ll never understand.

She wonders if Clarke has even had time to herself about it. She wonders if Clarke is doing alright, if she often waits to cry until she’s alone or Lexa is gone. She’s caught her a few times. She wishes she wouldn’t do that. “He doesn’t want me to move out.” Lexa says with a sigh as Clarke releases a small chuckle. She glances up at Lexa, but Lexa can still see it in her eyes. The concern. She hates worrying Clarke, but she knows it can’t be helped. At least not at times like this.

“Of course he doesn’t, you remember how he was when Anya moved to Oxford for school?” Clarke chuckles at the memory, not long ago, just a few years, but still distant enough. A different time that Lexa quietly longs for.

Perhaps by the way Clarke’s eyes glaze over a moment, she wishes the same. “He gets lonely.” Lexa mumbles sadly and leans her head in her own hand. It’s hard not to get lonely when your daughter moves faraway for school and your best friend dies in the same year, but he did get another kid out of it.

Clarke looks up at her for a moment, but she doesn’t say anything back right away. “We can cancel if you aren’t ready.” Her voice isn’t loud when she says it, but Lexa can feel the intentions of her words that are too heavy. Clarke isn’t sure about anything that Lexa wants lately, she knows the only real thing Lexa wants is her mom back, and it’s often hard to think about anything else. But she still tries, she still makes the effort, she still wants to do all the things they had talked about doing as kids.

She just never imagined it would be without her mom. “Of course, I’m ready.” She sits up now and tries to force the sour mood she’s clearly in out the window. Not that it matters how hard she tries, Clarke can always see right through her.

As if on que, she gives her a look. “It really can wait.” She says knowingly.

“We talked about this. It’ll be easier for work and you don’t have to waste so much gas coming out to check on me every day. Plus, I want to live with you.” She says it sincerely because she means it. The thought of leaving Gustus makes her a little sad, especially because he needs her as much as she needs him, but this was the plan. Her and Clarke against the world, like always. It’s the way it was always supposed to be. She still wants that future, that life that they’d imagined together in Clarke’s bedroom, or Lexa’s kitchen while her mom is baking, or on the playground at school.

“Yes, I know, but I also know that sometimes you need Gustus more than you need me.” Clarke doesn’t say it like it upsets her. She says it like a fact and maybe that fact would be right if Clarke were anyone else, but Lexa will always need Clarke the most, just as much as she needs her mom and she’s lost one, so she’s not about to lose the other as well.

“My mom wouldn’t want me to not continue with my plans just because she’s not here to see it.” Lexa mumbles frustratedly and leans back in her chair, crossing her arms along her chest. She huffs slightly, annoyed that they’re having to talk about this again. They’ve had this conversation before, Clarke is so careful with her. Maybe it annoys Clarke too.

“Lex,” Clarke reaches across the table for her hand but waits, just holding it out until Lexa decides to take it.

She eventually does because Clarke helps her feel a little bit better, even in her worst moods. “She wouldn’t.” She says quieter now and looks up at Clarke and feels the annoyance and sourness of her mood dissipate slightly. Lexa thinks its probably the color, bright like the sky and Lexa has always loved the sky. They always calm her down, they always make her feel better.

“I know.” Clarke’s hand squeezes her own and she lets out a soft sigh. “Nothing’s going to make it better, I know that. But I can still try right?” Clarke smiles warmly at her, eyes soft and perfect and Lexa loses herself in looking at them at first.

“You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t.” She answers back just as warmly. “Did I tell you about L.A.?” Lexa asks to change the subject to something lighter.

Clarke’s hand stays in her own, and she watches her eyebrows furrow cutely. “L.A.?”

“Yeah, I must have forgot with my birthday and all that, but I got a call two days ago and they want me to come out and like sing for them, I guess? I think they want to sign me.” This was something they’ve talked about before. This is something they both hoped for. It still feels kind of wrong to not be able to share it with her mom, but she knows she’d be proud of her.

Clarke’s blue eyes seem to get rounder. “Wait, a record label?”

“Yeah!”

“I knew this would happen, the moment you got a manager last year, I told you!”

“I don’t know when I go yet, they’re supposed to call me with the details but Gustus is coming with me. I think he’s even more excited than I am.” Lexa snickers at that when the memory of telling him reappears in her mind. He gave her one of his bear hugs, she’s always loved those.

“I’m so proud of you!” Clarke squeaks, her chair scraps along the tile floor as she forces it back too fast to fling herself at Lexa.

Lexa feels warm and for a long moment while Clarke is hugging her, happy. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

Clarke snorts in her ear. “Please, you have all the talent.”

Lexa gasps and pulls back from the hug to stare at Clarke like she personally offended her. “You’re the most talented person in the entire world!” She nearly yells but not quite and feels the warmth spike in her chest when she sees Clarke blush and her eyes move away from her shyly.

She’s still pretty much in her lap and Lexa has no interest in separating right now so she keeps her arms firmly around Clarke’s waist to keep her in her place in her lap. “All our dreams are going to come true, and I’m not going to spend a second of it without you.” Lexa promises quietly and watches Clarke’s eyes well up slightly. She leans forward and presses a kiss to her cheek. “You and me forever.” Clarke hugs her again, tightly and Lexa for once, isn’t thinking about her mom but about their future.


	2. Chapter One

**_“For Sale”_ **

Clarke is pretty sure that sign has been in the same window for almost a year now. She wonders if it’ll ever be removed. A part of her hopes not, not until she can be the one to cause its removal. She knows it’s got to be only a matter of time now though, and she doesn’t see herself being able to buy it any time soon.

She takes the last sip of her coffee before turning around and tossing it into the trash and walking off down the street toward her apartment. It really would be the most convenient location for her gallery, it’s so close to her apartment and since Clarke doesn’t have a car, she’s gotten used to public transportation and walking.

The day could be colder, but it’s a nice temperature for October. So she doesn’t mind the walk as much as she will later on in the winter. It’s the kind of weather that has her admiring the sky and straggling behind, so she gets home much later. She’d normally call Lexa when she takes walks like this, but she was weary about it knowing she was in her studio, working. Always working.

It wouldn’t be like Lexa to stop. Though Clarke figures she might if she were to call her. She has a tendency to not though. Lexa would sacrifice a lot for her if she’d ask her too, but she’s never going to ask her to sacrifice anything. Besides, Lexa has a bit too big of a name now to even try.

_Her mom would be proud of her._

Smiling at that thought she finally pulls out her phone to check the time again and noticing that it’s half past one, she decides, it’s probably time for Lexa to eat, so she’ll interrupt her busy day because she needs to eat. She won’t if someone wasn’t around to remind her, which is not good for her at all.

She is running on a time limit however, she’s got a stream to do pretty soon, and that’s late as it is. But she doesn’t mind making it later when it comes to Lexa, it’s either because she’s a really good friend, or because she’s really in love with her really good friend, either way, she’s going to make time for her, nonetheless.

She has more time than Lexa does though, she normally does.

 

***

 

“I don’t like the last part.” Lexa says for the third time. They play it back for her again, just to make sure and she only shakes her head before it’s being cut again. She’s probably recorded this last part about a billion times, but she can’t get it right. Maybe if she liked the song a bit more than she does it wouldn’t be as big of a problem, but her label has a way of working in things that mean very little to her.

She suffers through it though, one song out of an entire album doesn’t hurt too bad. “Do you want to just come back to this one, I fear you might pass out if you have to sing any piece of it again.” Echo gives her a look from where she’s sprawled out on the couch and Lexa can only shrug. Usually her production team is slightly larger, but last year her label had fired most of her previous team. Lexa refused almost anyone else they tried to get her to work with after that in an effort to try and get them back.

It didn’t work.

“Might as well just suffer through it.” She says with a sigh before losing her focus over the production board at the buzz of her cellphone in her pocket. She pulls it out as Atom is cutting through the track currently being worked on. He’s probably trying to find an alternative to the ending, but Lexa can’t be bothered to pay attention when she sees Clarke’s name appear on her phone.

**Clarke (** _1:32 P.M._ **)** : I know you haven’t eaten, meet me at Arcadia Café in 20?

**Lexa (** _1:32 P.M._ **)** : Are you walking?

“You’re going to have to record it again, but maybe we can improvise a little, make it more you?” Atom pulls the headphones from his ears until the headset sits around his neck. He looks up at her sympathetically, but she misses it since she doesn’t bother to take her eyes off her phone.

“Definitely, but we should break.” She moves from where she had been hovering over him as his expression morphs into slight shock. There’s only one way that Lexa takes breaks, and that’s either if she’s passing out or Clarke.

**Clarke (** _1:33 P.M._ **)** : That’s why I said in 20

“You actually want a break?” Atom looks at her incredulously like she doesn’t even know what that word means, and it takes Lexa all of two seconds before she’s cracking a smile.

“Yes, I do know how to do that you know.” She jokes as Echo snorts in disbelief from the couch. Lexa shoots her a playful glare. “What are you even doing here? You aren’t helping.”

“Excuse you, I am taking a break. I’ve been up since 3 this morning working on your album, ungrateful brat.” She flips the page of her book as Lexa shakes her head.

“Bitch.” She replies jokingly as Echo rolls her eyes.

**Lexa (** _1:36 P.M._ **)** : I’ll pick you up, where are you?

**Clarke (** _1:36 P.M._ **)** : No, that’s okay, I want to walk. It’s a nice day.

“So which girlfriend is calling for you, the one the entire world is obsessed with, or the one you’re obsessed with?” Echo’s eyebrows shot up and down in another teasing motion. Lexa and her didn’t get a long at first, but many late nights and early mornings in a small studio can change things. Clarke still does not like her though.

Lexa makes the decision to mostly ignore whatever she’s saying to her. She hardly makes sense anyway. “I don’t even know what that means.”

**Lexa (** _1:37 P.M._ **)** : If you insist,

She pockets her phone and grabs her bag from the chair she had first thrown it in when she entered this morning. “I’ll see you guys in a bit, going for lunch.”

“Tell Clarke I said hello.” Echo calls as she pulls the door open.

Lexa glances at her as she adjusts the bag on her shoulder. “She doesn’t like you very much.” She states truthfully, a statement that isn’t needed because Echo already knows it.

She shrugs. “It’s mutual, I still say hello.”

Lexa chuckles. “Alright,” She waves at Atom and Echo alike before exiting the studio and she can’t be out of there quick enough. She spends lots of time there, it’s not always suffocating, but today, today has been suffocating. She’s annoyed when the label makes her do anything she didn’t decide to do by choice and they do that often. She often doesn’t have a choice, they practically own her entire life because of her contract.

She clears that from her mind for now and heads out to her car, avoids the flash of a camera she sees from the corner of her eyes and thinks about Clarke. She loves café lunch days. Clarke doesn’t always enjoy them because the swarm of paparazzi that sometimes finds them there, but she loves any second she gets to spend with Clarke.

So she’s practically speeding out of the parking lot the moment she’s in her car, she just hopes no one follows her and she hopes Clarke is in a good mood.

 

***

 

Lexa is already there when Clarke finally makes it through the threshold of Arcadia Café. She can smell the recent paint job, and the newly designed spaceship on the sign is probably doing better for business than just the white letters of the name used too. It’s their favorite place to eat or get coffee. It has been since they both first moved to the city. It’s gotten a lot of publicity since then, they thrive off of the fact that Lexa and her friends like to eat there. It annoys Clarke, as most anything ingenuine in Lexa’s life does. But Lexa tells her that’s the price she has to pay. Clarke doesn’t see how that’s fair.

They have a usual table as well, it’s away from the window of course, against a wall next to a painting of a large tree that Clarke’s obsessed with. The television in perfect view so they can make fun of the news or Lexa can watch whatever sports game she’s interested in when it comes on. They spent a lot of time here when they first arrived, and Lexa wasn’t so busy. Of course, they didn’t come too far, as the town they lived in was only just barely outside the bustle of civilization.

It was still a change, a big change. Things have changed even more since than as well. Lexa wasn’t so busy then, her career just starting. Her re-location threw a wrench in a few of their plans together, but Clarke was happy to set those aside for Lexa’s dreams, they just had to re-evaluate their plans. She forgot to think about where they’d live when Lexa got signed to a label, she naively imagined staying in the same small town and taking road trips, but that’s the impractical thoughts of a teenage girl.

25-year-old Clarke knows much better.

“What took you so long, slow poke.” She grins at her widely, she must have had about two teas before Clarke finally arrived, but that’s not unusual for their new routine.

Clarke sits down and wraps her hands that have grown cold from her walk around the warm mug of the latte Lexa ordered for her, probably a few minutes ago. She always times her arrivals pretty perfectly. She was ten minutes later than she had said she’d be. Perhaps its because they’ve known each other so long by this point that she’s just predictable to Lexa, in fact, that’s probably the truth. But Clarke’s heart has a way of pumping entirely too hard at little things like this.

“I said I wanted to walk.” She sips her coffee. “Did you order food too?” Lexa doesn’t even need to answer, Clarke knows she did. She knows what she ordered as well. Perhaps Lexa is predictable to her as well.

“Of course I did.”

“Good because I’m starving.” She grumbles slightly as she finally shrugs the bag on her shoulder off and hangs it on the back of the chair before she takes another big gulp of her coffee. The chill had finally got to her, she was still feeling it.

“Did you go stare at that gallery again?” A knowing look crosses Lexa’s green eyes and Clarke stares into them a moment, admiring them the way she often likes too.

She smiles at her best friend. “I stare at it every walk.”

“You should just let me help.” Lexa pouts slightly. “Like a big birthday present.” She emphasizes “big” with her hands but “big” doesn’t cover what buying a gallery for her would actually be. That’s much too extravagant and Clarke makes her own money, she doesn’t need the media getting ahold of some crap story because Lexa likes to throw cash down for her friends.

“You already know what I’m going to say to that.”

Lexa sighs. “Yeah, yeah.” She waves her hand as if to wave off Clarke’s denial.

“Oh look, your favorite news channel is on!” Clarke mumbles with fake excitement, laughing as Lexa rolls her eyes at her before reluctantly turning her head to look at it.

“Girls,” Their usual waitress, Niylah, sets their food down for them before they bother to start paying attention to the gossip being presented on the channel.

“Thanks, Niylah.” Clarke mumbles as she offers up a friendly smile before leaving them to enjoy their meal.

Lexa scoffs. “She’s so obvious about it.”

“Hmm?” Clarke says distracted as she bites into her BLT.

“She drools over you.” Lexa says with a chuckle as she pulls the top bun on her burger off, so she can place mustard on it, which always has Clarke wrinkling her nose.

“Weird to infer from one word.” She raises her eyebrow at her best friend before taking another bite of her sandwich.

Lexa’s chuckle is bright, Clarke loves the sound of it. It’s normally hard to find when she’s been working so long and so hard. That label sucks the life out of her, Clarke hates it. “She gives you big puppy eyes every time she sees you. She’s done it for like three years. I’m surprised she hasn’t said anything to you yet.”

“Well, I’m always here with you and everyone thinks were dating.” Clarke says nonchalantly though she never feels nonchalant when she brings up the speculations and rumors their fans and some media outlets have come up with. She knows it’s her own fault, it’s the way she looks at her, as many of her fans remind her. She can’t help it, it’s not a conscious thing. She hates that there’s so much photo evidence, but Lexa still seems oblivious, so perhaps she’s not as obvious as she thinks she is.

“Ah, not everyone.” At that moment Lexa points a fry at the television screen, the gossip story they had moved onto for today is of course of Lexa and her colleague and probably second closest friend Costia. The entire world is obsessed with them, Clarke tries to forget about that as much as she can, but the world is always intent on reminding her.

“You want to talk about someone who drools over another.” Clarke gives her a knowing look, she buries the slight twist in her gut down as far as she can, buries the screaming protest in the back of her mind. Lexa can never know, so she plays her part.

“Please it’s exactly the same situation we’re always in. We’re friends, I promise.” Lexa rolls her eyes but she’s grinning, she must be happy to be out of the studio, but she always laughs when Clarke teases her about Costia. It’s a fact that makes Clarke think that perhaps Lexa really is greatly interested in Costia. She honestly has no idea, Lexa is never obvious about her own crushes. She’s not like Clarke, there’s not even a clue in her eyes.

“I believe you, I’m just saying, I don’t believe that’s all she wants.” Clarke ignores the twist in her gut at that, she’s always had it. She knows it’s probably just a matter of time, but right now Lexa genuinely doesn’t seem to be mutually interested. Than again, she’s also not interested in Clarke like that either, so perhaps her and Costia have more in common than she likes to think.

“Even if you’re right, never going to happen.” She’s so assertive when she says it and even gives Clarke her best pointed look. Clarke believes her for now, she doesn’t know why she gets so serious about it whenever Clarke is messing around but it’s pretty common by now.

“Oh, I don’t know, the entire world loves it, maybe they’re seeing something we’re not.” She teases further, perhaps she loves torturing herself because this is surely a conversation that she doesn’t quite enjoy having but she always does this. Like talking about her and Costia will keep Lexa off the scent of her own feelings. Or maybe it’s because Clarke’s obsessed with the world’s obsession with them. She’s jealous, annoyed, frustrated.

“Hey, what about our fans?” Lexa seems genuinely offended that she’s omitted them.

Clarke offers up a laugh. “What about them?”

“The same logic can be applied the thousands of them. Do you secretly love me Clarke?” Lexa is smiling, eyes bright and light-hearted and Clarke can feel the air leave her lungs, but she doesn’t gasp. She’s been asked this by her before. All she can do is avert her eyes and hope Lexa is just as dumb to it as she’s always been.

“Oh yes, obsessed even. Moved cities for you.” She says with a slightly higher pitch to her tone, dipping fries into ketch-up and shoving them into her mouth so she doesn’t have to say anymore.

Lexa laughs. “It’s mutual clearly.”

She rolls her eyes and wishes that was true. “Dork.”

 

***

 

“I’ll see you tonight.” Lexa pops down the tip on the table, she’s always the one to cover the tip. She doesn’t protest whenever Clarke wants to do it, but she will always leave her own sum. Especially for Niylah, because even though her crush on her best friend is annoying, she’s quite a friendly person and always gets their orders perfect, even gives them things for free sometimes. She’s also fast to call in security when she sees the paparazzi loitering around.

“I thought you’d be stuck at the studio until late?” Clarke stands up as well, pulling her bag from the back of her chair and pulling it on her shoulder. Lexa watches strands of her hair that get tucked under it before she moves forward and carefully pulls the strands from under the strap, stock the strands back behind her ear as Clarke stares up at her.

“I was going to try and get out early actually.” Lexa sighs. “I could use a big long break.” She frowns slightly at that because she knows she’s not really going to get one and lets her hand drop from Clarke’s hair. Once the album is done, she starts her world-wide tour, she hasn’t even been back from the last one for very long. It’s a never-ending cycle and her label is demanding. They own her and they know it and there’s nothing that Lexa can really do about it.

“It’s Wednesday.” Clarke eyes her slightly. “You usually fall asleep there.” It’s not even accusing, it’s just true. Lexa hates being worked this hard, like she’s not a human, like she’s only meant to make them money. They don’t see her as a person anymore, she wonders if they ever did.

“I won’t. Raven said she was making her pasta dish.” She feels better thinking about that, Raven is an amazing cook. Far better than most anyone she’s ever met, except Anya. But Anya is good at everything.

“I think she moved that actually because she’s working late.”

“What?” Lexa pouts and Clarke lets out a big beautiful laugh, her hand reaching out to squeeze Lexa’s arm and comfort her. Her touch is warm and stays on Lexa’s skin long after she removes it, it always does. Clarke is so comforting, a breath of fresh air, it’s perhaps why Lexa has always loved her so much. She truly is the best friend that Lexa could have ever asked for, she doesn’t deserve her but she’ll do her best to keep her.

“I guess I’ll buy Chinese.”

“So, you’re still coming by?” Clarke says it like she’s shocked and Lexa doesn’t know why but it stings slightly. Maybe because she has a reason to say it like that, with the way her label works her they don’t get much time together, they haven’t for a long time. Lexa is unreliable with plans because her life is hardly her own. She can live with it when it effects herself, but when it effects Clarke she starts to see things differently.

“I come by for you, Raven’s cooking is a bonus.” Lexa says with an eyeroll because Clarke already knows this.

“Okay, but if you’re too tired it’s okay if you just go home and get some sleep. I can tell you haven’t been getting enough of it, you’re pouty.” Clarke grins brightly at her and Lexa feels comforted at the sight of it. She wishes she could wrap Clarke up and bring her wherever she goes. She just makes her happy, makes her feel better, lighter.

But, sadly, that’s just not their reality.

“I am not.” She pouts on que and Clarke lets out another beautiful laugh.

“Oh no, you’re in a big happy mood.” She teases, her eyes lighting up a bit.

“I hate you.” She continues to pout. “I have to go; do you want a ride?”

“No, I want to walk.” She says, and Lexa already knew she’d say that. Clarke is like this right before it gets too cold. She’s not big on winter weather, so she’s soaking up what’s left of fall.

Lexa sighs. “Okay, text me when you get home safe.”

“Of course.”

“Have a good video stream tonight.” She kisses her cheek and feels Clarke’s reply in the way she squeezes her arm again, warm and soothing and lasting.

She gives Clarke one last look before exiting the café and heading back to the studio. She’s got a meeting with her manager, Indra, and she’s pretty sure she knows how it’s going to go. They don’t have much to discuss right now, outside of Indra pushing for her to do something else she doesn’t want to do for good publicity.

The latest push is dating Costia, or more like business dating, since it’s only to make the label look good. Costia rose to fame a bit before Lexa and has been with Polis Records for a few years longer. They became friends pretty fast because their work schedules are the same and they’re two top-selling artists for Polis, so they’re often touring and doing shows together. Now the label has taken it upon themselves to insert themselves into their relationship, or lack thereof.

They want one, Lexa won’t ever do that. It’s been a fight for a little while now. Thank god they don’t have the legal power to dictate her relationships, that’s at least one thing they can’t completely control. If they could, Clarke would be gone, Costia would be her girlfriend and Lexa would have gone batshit insane.

Her manager is only pushing it because she thinks it’ll help her sales go up, not that they’re down or bad. Lexa’s popularity doesn’t need the push, but Indra seems to think it’ll give her fans some confidence, since a large portion of them are apart of the LGBT+ community. Lexa is sure though, that a fake relationship is the last thing that anyone needs.

“You’re late.” Indra mutters in her normal cold manner. She’s always been straight-forward, business-oriented. Lexa’s been with her for a few years now and she’s been mostly satisfied with how she runs things. She likes her no-nonsense business attitude, it attributes to a lot of her success.

It’s another reason that her pushing for a publicity stunt like fake dating Costia is weird. She doubts that it’s exactly Indra’s idea and sees it more as probably the label pressuring her in ways that Lexa isn’t often witness too. They’ve done things like that before, they don’t really see Lexa as a person, or Costia, or any artist signed to them for that matter. They’re money making machines. In fact, if they could replace Lexa with an actual robot, she’s sure they would, the robot would listen better.

“I was having lunch.” She explains as she sits down on the couch with Indra.

“So we’ve added two more locations to the tour and we want to announce it soon.”

“Tickets aren’t going on sale until after the release of the album though.”

“We’re just talking about it, letting the world know what’s coming, you’re fans more specifically. Also, did you think about what we discussed last time?”

“The dating thing?” Lexa rolls her eyes and immediately sinks back into her chair.

“That’s not necessarily what it has to be. I was thinking adding Costia to the tour would be good enough actually.”

“She’s really busy working on her own stuff and she’s got that TV show now, I doubt she has time for a tour too.”

“The Label is bound to push it, Nia has been butting heads with her manager over it for the past couple weeks.”

“Of course she has.” Lexa rolls her eyes, just the sound of Nia’s name puts a bad taste in her mouth. That woman… is truly awful and she doesn’t think that way about people lightly. She wasn’t in charge of the label when Lexa was first signed to it. There had been a kinder gentleman in charge, older and he died a few years ago. After his death it was supposed to go to his son, who is arguably worse than Nia, but he messed that up and Nia bought them out.

Lexa thinks she should have taken the opportunity to branch off than when everything was up in the air, try something new. But she’s still unsure about that or if she’d even be successful without a large team behind her, she never feels quite brave enough. “You just have this final track left to record than?”

“Yes, the album is mostly done, though I haven’t chosen between the bonus tracks yet.”

“Leave that to Echo and Atom, they’ll figure it out better than you can.”

Lexa laughs. “Oh thanks.”

“I’m just saying, they’ve heard all the songs and they don’t have your brain, they’re also professionals, they can handle it.”

“Do you think we can get Lincoln back in the studio.”

“He quit Lexa.”

“Yes, but that’s only because they wouldn’t give him a raise, besides I thought we could hire him independently?”

“We’ve talked about this, they’d never go for it.”

“We don’t have to tell them right away.”

“Lexa,”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.”

“I’m sorry, you know I tried as hard as I could. Clarke says he’s doing drum covers on the internet now and I happen to know that he’s working for Polis security now so maybe we can get him on the tour.”

“Yeah maybe,” Lexa sighs.

“Get back to work, I’m still trying to find a replacement for your guitarist.”

“Did you look into my sister like I asked?”

“I haven’t got ahold of her yet.”

“Keep trying.”

“I will but in the meantime, as much as I love Anya and I really do, she’s insufferable.”

“And she prides herself on it.” Lexa says with a proud smile and a chuckle that Indra returns. She leaves the office with a final wave to her manager and makes her way back to her studio to try and finish this final song. Though it doesn’t feel right for it to be the final song, in fact, the entire album still feels like it’s missing something, and it continues to sit heavily on Lexa’s gut.

 

***

 

“I am sorry I was late today.” Clarke says to her camera as she pats her pencil against her drawing pad on the table. She’s very late actually and she’s not exactly sorry about it either but she’s still going to say it anyway.

_“Was waiting all day for this.”_ And many more comments a lot like it start to appear on the screen. She’s waiting for the room to fill up before she begins to take requests, they often hand out to her.

“I know, I know, I was having lunch with a friend.” Normally she would drop Lexa’s name, but her fans get crazy when she does that, especially lately with all these rumors about Lexa and Costia. Last week there was a full-on fight in the comments section and Clarke had to do some kicking.

Sometimes it’s all just too much for Clarke. She just wants to relax, sometimes she likes to pretend that nobody knows who they are, sometimes she likes to pretend that she doesn’t know who anyone else is. Today feels a little heavier in that way.

So today she doesn’t even mention Lexa, but she knows by now she doesn’t even have to. They’ll bring her up themselves. “So how is everyone today?” She begins to doodle on her pad, not requests yet, more like a warm up, not that she exactly needs to warm up, but she always looks at it as that.

_“Were you with Lexa?”_

_“Draw Lexa.”_

_“What’s the new art cover going to be on Lexa’s album?”_

Clarke can feel a chuckle leave her as she reads through the comments, eventually they will start to move too fast, as the amount of people increase, and she gets a lot of people on these Wednesdays.

“What’s Lexa’s new art cover going to be? Well that’s a secret and a surprise, wouldn’t want to ruin that would we?” She teases but sketches a part of it anyway. “I’ll give you a slight sneak peek.” She says and shows it up for a few seconds.

Wednesdays are always the best time for livestreams because Raven works late so she doesn’t come home in the middle of them and can’t be disturbed by them but she does them late enough in the day that her fanbase is often able to watch them, right after school or class or a work shift and she’s there to accompany them for awhile as they unwind. She likes it, she likes drawing whatever she wants and whatever they want as well.

It’s a very relaxing experience but it doesn’t change how exhausting it is and how tired Clarke always is by the end of it. Most of the time it’s because she spends the majority of the stream answering a lot of questions about herself and Lexa. It can become taxing, but her fans have a sense of humor and they see her far more than the rest of the world does.

Sometimes they see her even more than Lexa does, but Clarke tries not to think about that.

When the room is full enough Clarke slips through her Wednesday stream routine. She asks for requests and she draws them. She talks and answers questions while she works and when all the requests are only left with Lexa she gives in and she draws her, different sketches until the end of the stream.

She’s drawn Lexa so many times it’s almost muscle memory and yet, somehow, she never gets tired of it.

Clarke is obvious, she has no idea how Lexa hasn’t seen it yet. Maybe it’s because she’s just not looking, maybe she’s afraid to say anything because she doesn’t have these same feelings and Clarke isn’t stupid, she knows Lexa doesn’t return them. If she could, she’d turn her own right off. But she can’t, she’s been stuck with them since she was sixteen and learned that liking girls too was a thing she wasn’t getting out of.

Someday Lexa will probably marry someone that is definitely not her and she will maybe finally be free by then, maybe her brain, her heart will let this all go and they can go back to gentle touches without racing hearts and hugs that don’t last thirty seconds because Clarke doesn’t want to let go. And she won’t be able to make anything weird anymore and won’t have to worry about Lexa finally bringing it up and completely destroying the only friendship she’s ever loved more than anything else.

In the meantime, though, she’ll draw and stream and try her best to keep it to herself. Who cares what their fans say, who cares if her own see it so damn clearly because Clarke is clearly the worst actor in the entire world. Who cares, as long as Lexa doesn’t bring it up than Clarke doesn’t have anything to worry about.

 

***

 

Lexa is just leaving her studio when she bumps into Costia, literally because the girl is staring down at her phone, completely engrossed and looking perplexed about whatever is floating on her screen. She’s going to be late to dinner as it is but she’s still going, she may be ready to pass out and Clarke may have given her the okay to go home instead but she doesn’t want to. She wants to be with Clarke.

She’s become quite a needy friend since she got famous.

“Hey, you’re still here.” Costia chuckles as she powers the screen off on her phone and shoves it in her pocket.

She nods and moves her head in the direction of her studio door. “Yeah, just finishing up, I could say the same to you.”

Costia sighs and Lexa can see the same stress on her face, the dark circles under her eyes, the frown she hides behind the slight forced smile. She’s just as over-worked as Lexa, and just as powerless. “You know how it is. How’s the tour planning coming?” Costia looks tired just asking her.

Lexa decides that’s not something she’s really in the mood to talk about. “Eh, are you going home?” She asks instead and sees the relief that washes over Costia’s face.

“Yes,” She says gratefully, “are you?”

“I’m actually going to Clarke’s, but could you feed Venus for me?” She was going to swing by there first to do that but if Costia is heading there it can save her the trip and the gas.

“Of course, is Raven cooking?”

“No, she moved it to tomorrow sadly. I’m picking up Chinese, want anything?” Costia will say no, she already knows it. Lexa knows her friends well and Costia is no exception. She doesn’t really like Chinese food but sometimes she’s in the mood for an egg roll or two. Today however, she can tell that the only thing Costia wants is to sleep.

“I’ll be out by the time you get home, if you get home, I know how you love your time with Clarkey.” Costia bats her eyelashes teasingly and Lexa rolls her eyes, ignoring that slight twist of dread in her gut at the implication. She learned a long time ago that what used to be harmless pairing has become a big invasion of privacy. Clarke has never handled it very well. She can’t blame her.

There’s always this weird feeling whenever Costia teases her like this. She never knows quite the reason, but she has an idea that has to do with everything that the media has done to them. She just wants to protect Clarke and she’s often reminded that she can’t whenever Costia brings _them_ up. “Shush, don’t you start, you’re as bad as her fans.” She has to say, she prefers Clarke’s fans over Costia’s, Costia’s are so aggressive and invasive about the “shipping” thing.

“We’re all enlightened.” She winks playfully.

“I don’t think our fans would be too happy to hear you say that.” Lexa keeps it light, chuckling because she knows they’d probably go crazy in a very bad way.

“Or our label, would they?” Costia laughs. “Ridiculous all of them. Why is it never just about the music anymore?”

“And the art.” Lexa clarifies because Clarke is apart of this conversation too.

“Oh right, though I still think Clarke’s secret talent on the guitar is something she shouldn’t hide.”

“It’s a hobby, she doesn’t want to share it with the world.” She remembers the night Clarke said that too her. It was not the best night, Clarke was stressed and sad and when Lexa filmed her on the guitar, she requested that it never see the light of day. They had a whole conversation about how sometimes Clarke feels like nothing is her own anymore, so as far as anyone knows, Clarke has no musical talent.

“I’ll see you at home.” Costia gives her a weak tired smile.

“Yeah, though you might be asleep by the time I get there.”

“Oh, I’ll definitely be asleep, and I’ll probably have your cat too.”

“I think she likes you more than me.” Lexa pouts.

“Nah, she just associates me with food. See you later, love.” Costia squeezes her arm much in the same way Clarke did earlier that day, but it never leaves the same feeling on Lexa’s skin, never the same warmth, it never last. It’s just a brief friendly touch, it’s gone as quick as it comes. That is one of the reasons she knows she could never date Costia. They just don’t have that kind of chemistry.

 

 

***

 

It's late, probably almost two in the morning. Raven is not expecting to see Clarke sitting and groveling on their couch when she first enters but there she is. It’s not often she does this, just every once in awhile she obsesses, stares at media outlets tell her eyes bleed. They always make her cry. Raven hates it.

“What are you doing?” Raven scolds when she’s far enough into the room to see what exactly Clarke is watching on the television.

“Watching the news.” Clarke grumbles, a slight edge to her tone that’s only ever there when she’s heard too many stories about Costia and Lexa. They’re not even dating, they probably never will, but it still bother’s Clarke. It bothers her for a lot more reasons than just pure jealousy. That’s not just some girl to Clarke that the world has their eyes on, that’s Lexa, that’s _her_ Lexa. She precious, important, above almost everything else. These stories never do anything but elicit every possible negative emotion they can get out of Clarke, which is why Raven turns the TV off the moment she can grab the remote.

“Why do you do this to yourself?” Raven lets out a frustrated sigh. A Clarke that’s up at 2:00 A.M. is never happy anyway, add pure frustration on top of that and there’s a recipe for disaster. “This is why I’ve said it a thousand times and I’ll say it a thousand more, you need to tell her.” She really has been saying it forever, she says it every time she finds Clarke like this. They’ll have this conversation over and over, probably until the end of time because Clarke is stubborn, far too stubborn for her own good.

“Raven,” Clarke sighs.

“She’s never going to guess on her own, you know it. And I know you’re terrified, but it’s got to be better than this. And I don’t mean just tell her about how you feel for her, but how she’s been making you feel, how the media makes you feel, just all of it.”

“That’s not fair of me, it’s not her fault.”

“But it partly is. She’s hardly here. She’s hardly there for you. Where is she now?”

“She was here, she just went home.” Clarke mumbles quietly as she plays with a pillow cushion in her lap. She doesn’t even look at Lexa, she must have been at it awhile before Raven got home. Probably right after Lexa left her. She’s in one of those moods tonight.

“All I’m saying is you need to talk to her because she has no idea what’s going on. With Costia, with you, what her fame has done to your relationship.”

“This is her dream.” Clarke whines and it’s a statement Raven has heard countless times, repeatedly.

“And you’re what collateral damage?”

“Yes.” Clarke says stubbornly. “That’s exactly what I am. She’s wanted this forever. Just because some things are upsetting is not enough of a reason to make her feel bad for living her dream.”

“She wanted it with you.” Raven reminds her friend and when she doesn’t say anything else, she continues. “Remind her of that.” She squeezes Clarke’s shoulder. “Go to bed, sleep.” She waits only a moment to see if Clarke needs her but when she nods her head she lets go of her shoulder and escapes to her room.

She loves Lexa, but the reality is that she’s blind. Blind to her own feelings, blind to how she’s neglected Clarke, and blind to what the media has done to not just Costia and her but Clarke as well. She knows how Lexa feels about her friend even if Lexa doesn’t realize it herself, but if Lexa knew half of what Clarke thought when she wasn’t around, when she didn’t answer her for that entire month when she was touring, whenever she watches something that shows Costia being Lexa’s closest friend, when Lexa moved in with Costia instead of her.

She just needs to realize it, all of it. But Clarke will probably never say anything that she needs too and because it’s not Raven’s place she’s forced to watch her friends relationship slowly fading apart, possibly until they become nothing at all.

**Author's Note:**

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